. . . And Then I Got into a Fight About Pickleball in the Park

I previously described a neighborhood pickleball controversy here as a low-stakes example for understanding the energy of conflict and pathways for resolution. Parents and pickleball players are engaged in an “us versus them” dynamic around park space. But the conflict is not about pickleball, because conflict never derives from external facts, arguments or people. Rather, conflict ensues from the emotional energy of fear, scarcity, lack, greed, shame, insecurity, pride or similar dense, contracted emotional energy held by humans.

Then, exactly one week after I shared this, I had the humbling, insightful and opportunistic experience of living it for myself. That’s right. I got into a fight . . . about pickleball . . . in a park.

The precise facts as to what happened are inconsequential, but I will share enough to take you through my journey. I was coaching nearly fifty middle school children in a public park when someone in my community (who was not playing pickleball) told us that we did not have a right to occupy the paved space where we have always practiced. This person was angrily informing me that we could not be there under any circumstances because the space was being prioritized for adult pickleball play. She purported to have authority to share this. She was raising her voice and waving her finger. So, I met her energy with the same. Although she eventually left, I remained red. hot. mad.

At this point, I considered taking down the prior article, pretending it never happened and getting to the more pressing business of taking someone down. There were emails to write, petitions to initiate, other angry people to recruit, etc. I knew that I could whip out an emotionally inciteful story in a heartbeat. I had litigated for more than seventeen years. I could drum up the energy of conflict in dozens more with the power of my words. I had contacts and the upper hand. I knew how to leverage our best arguments, and all the plays. I was born for this. [knuckles cracking]

But I had just openly made light of the pickleball press coverage. “Damn!” That may have slowed me down. I still thought more about whether I could effectuate a clean pivot from a purported peacemaker to a pickleball take down. “Hmmm …” What came to me next was the look on the kids’ faces that day in the park. I was leading them. They were looking at me. As adults, we are their mirrors. And they are the generation who stands to integrate and more fully benefit from what I share. “Well, crap.”

I share this part of the story not just to make fun of myself, but also to emphasize that it is not a natural course of action to meet an act of conflict with something other than more conflict if we hold the energy within us. I am dedicating myself to conflict resolution, and I had even used pickleball as an example. I am also a coach to kids who were watching me. But I still had a hard time not perpetuating conflict in the park that day and beyond. I want to share this detour within myself to emphasize that the energy of conflict is real. It lives within us all to varying degrees. And it has to be seen before it can be lifted.

Another detour occurred when I chose to react with speed, as opposed to slowing down. I got animated, fired questions quickly and got fast with my words and body language. But speed is not our friend in the moments when we are met with conflict. A speed reaction is an engagement with the left “fight or flight” side of our brains. It is a survival response, and it is the natural perpetuation of the energy of conflict. But it does not allow space or time to note, much less resolve, our own energy that has us participating. As I have shared previously, even if we did not start the fight, if we have a reaction to it, then we are holding the energy of conflict. If we do not create some space and time by stopping, pausing or at least slowing down, we will perpetuate more.

The other detour I went through is that I thereafter became disappointed in myself. Although I had not done or said anything that would require repair with my athletes or others, I was mad at myself for getting mad. I thought, how can I help people with conflict resolution and peace-building if I just had an experience where I wanted to take down a neighbor in front of dozens of schoolchildren? I left the park feeling a bit ashamed. It took me until the next day to lighten and gain perspective. But I now see that the shame and disappointment were its own detour and block to resolving my energy of conflict. We cannot begin to identify our own limitations without a sense of self-compassion and self-love. Shame or disappointment in ourselves becomes its own energetic limitation - a second layer that will keep the limiting energy blocked and unresolved within us.

What is more, there is nothing wrong with getting mad, angry, disappointed or upset. While our reactions may sometimes necessitate apologies or repair, the energy of anger is not itself wrong, or something to fear or loathe. To the contrary, the anger is an opportunity if we view it as a signal, flag or pathway to find our own limiting energy of conflict. What matters is what we eventually do with our anger. Do we ultimately look inwards to identify and move the energy of conflict? Or, do we stay external with the facts, storytelling, victim, blame, recruiting, re-hashing and otherwise perpetuating the energy? Or worse, do we simply repress the energy inside only to live it again on another day, perhaps with different facts or people? If the dense and contracted energy remains within, it will replay again and again until it can be lived and released.

And then I took yet another detour. I spent time that evening texting other people, rehashing facts, researching the angry neighbor and considering logistical next steps for securing the park space. This process is called spinning, and it did nothing to identify, much less resolve, the energy of conflict. It is a distraction from finding, feeling and moving the underlying energy of anger, disappointment, shame or hurt within myself. Even the process of engaging my mind to solve the problem of the park space was a distracting form of spinning because I had not first identified my own human emotional energy of conflict. Problem solving will do nothing to create resolution or peace within us or externally because it does not require identifying or transmuting energy. When we stay focused externally on other people, facts, blame, problems, solutions or next steps, we keep the underlying energy of conflict as it is.

Everything is built from energy, including the human emotions that drive conflict. To resolve conflict is to elevate the human emotional energy from lower to higher – from fear to peace. But that requires feeling the energy in our bodies – not masking or hiding it with externalized facts, people, arguments or even solutions. And the energy we hold – whether lower vibrational energy of fear, or the higher vibrational energy of peace or love – attracts and perpetuates more of itself. Fear begets fear, and love begets love. And you won’t attain resolution or peace externally if you have not first undertaken it from within. We attract the energy we hold.

For me, it took me until the next day and some dedicated time for meditation, stillness and tuning into myself, to fully locate and begin to resolve my own energy of conflict. We can find our energy of conflict when we drop the facts or the story and focus into the physical sensations of our body while quelling the thoughts of the mind. When we know and understand that the energy of conflict comes from within us – not outside – we can begin to unlock our own limiting beliefs. We can create a pathway for continuing to expand into our limitless potential.

What I uncovered for myself are pretty standard feelings of unworthiness that humans feel. We all feel shades of unworthiness somewhere and somehow. For me, it has to do with being seen and heard and having space. Many of us have had some experience as children or beyond where our voices, presence or right to be is diminished or shut down. I am no exception. For me, the feeling of being a de-prioritized kid was at least part of the source of my energy of conflict that day in the park. And as I stood there leading dozens of children while being told that we did not have a right to be there, the energy of conflict flooded forward.

And lucky me, because then I got to react and engage with all sorts of detours before I could see, feel and move the energy of conflict into something higher. And what is more, I get to have this experience to share. I am not special or different. I am on my own journey. I probably have more energies of conflict to resolve that originate from other sources or scenarios, perhaps from long ago. And, fortunately, so do you.

#conflictresolution #peacebuilding #humanevolution #socialevolution