Our Ego Specialness Is Not Real

The quest for distinction, elevation or status is an illusory dance with fear.

“Ego Specialness” is the idea that we derive merit, worth, honor or respect from our contradistinction to other individuals or groups. Hierarchy, rank, and exclusive status persist because of an egoistic need to stand separate from others. It is a striving to lift ourselves. But it is not born from self-love.

Percentile rankings, gated communities, exclusive associations, airline status, VIP entrances, red carpets, designer labels, beauty pageants and more are constructed from the idea that fulfillment can be contrived from specialness. The perception that specialness yields happiness, wealth or worth is baked into our education systems and permeates industries from healthcare to wellness, finance and more. It is the backbone of marketing and advertising strategy. It is the premise of the American dream.

The problem with ego specialness is that it is not just grit, brilliance, creativity or talent that are at stake. Ego specialness is built upon the necessary degradation of another and, by implication, the degradation of ourselves. The “A” grade does not mean anything if everyone can earn it. The Ivy League education does not count if everyone can have one. We know this. And, so, we strive while confusing “exclusive”, “prestigious” or “elite” with honor, respect and worth.

What is more is that the quest for ego specialness is not the aberrant behavior of narcissists, the shallow few, the wealthy, the disadvantaged or the politicians. Most of us who are considered “driven” or “successful” participate in some form of ego specialness. It may influence the car we drive or where we work, shop for groceries or send our children to school. Even the purportedly “enlightened” or “spiritual” among us may be driven by an insecure need for status or distinction. But, regardless of how you undertake your ego specialness, it is a scarcity mindset. It does not derive from a sense of abundance. It is – at its core – fear.

But it is not required. Our survival is not predicated upon creating separation via specialness. To the contrary, our species and world are sustained through interconnection and a sense of oneness or unity. As humans, sustaining contentment comes when we develop individual values and personally align ourselves to spaces, places, or pursuits without adherence to external guideposts or comparison. As we align more solidly within ourselves, we energize creative force while developing capacity for authentic and vulnerable connection with others. What counts is the energy and intention that motivates our thoughts, words and activities, not how we measure up.

I happen to have a long, deep and complicated relationship with ego specialness. I candidly admit that I have been solidly churning miles on the ego specialness treadmill for decades. I was taught that specialness and distinction were positive and to strive mightily for more. By my mid-twenties, I had graduated from law school cum laude, earned collegiate athletic achievements and even entered and won a hometown beauty pageant. The real accomplishment though was coming to understand that any effort motivated solely by a desire for status or achievement is, at best, a futile distraction, and, at worst, a draining and confusing enterprise that contributes to depression, anxiety and ultimately a lower sense of self-worth.

We might participate in ego specialness because we believe we serve by supporting or perpetuating the egoistic needs of others. Narcissists or deeply insecure people further confuse our relationship with ego specialness. Maybe we are striving within toxic or dysfunctional spaces or relationships because it is familiar. Perhaps we are unwittingly replaying the trauma of a toxic childhood by trying to prove or justify.

But regardless of how we show up to ego specialness, it is always an illusory dance with fear. The long-term benefits are analogous to a pack of cigarettes or a diet soda. Participation in ego specialness gives energy and authority to ideas and systems that keep us small and stalled in realizing potential and worth. The value of a win requires the countervailing significance of the loss. Elevating one way of being or doing thwarts our ability to see and claim something different.

Despite what we may have been taught, or what is mirrored within popular culture or education systems, the truth is that when we seek to find a sense of worth, love or respect by separating, elevating or distinguishing, we necessarily give credence to unworthiness or lack. Ego specialness is a coveting and a yearning from insecurity and fear. It is a scarcity game. It is not our genuine or authentic selves. Our power and worth are not defined by external comparison.

Our ego specialness is not real.

This article was originally written for and published by The Good Men Project.